Tuesday, January 7, 2014

2013- a year in review

As 2013 came to a close I found myself, like others, oddly pensive about personal habits and urges to commit to changing them in 2014.

I think instead of reviewing the year and the subsequent thoughts that generally are of a self loathing nature one should reflect back on the wins.

There should be an award ceremony. Congrats you survived another year! You have succeeded!

In the Kelley family I would like to nominate several members for a rather stunning array of awards.

Most ER visits in one year-This award goes to Wes hands down. You nailed it kid. If there was a punch card yours would be full and we would have our 10th visit free. That's right kid you stuff all the purple latex gloves you want into those little pockets of yours because this visit is free. F-R-E-E. Take a couple of tongue depressors for the road.

Thankfully you have been healthier this winter than in previous years but we have our arsenal of steroids ready for you just in case you start to look sniffly and croaky.

Coming soon to  theater near you; its a bird, its a plane, no its a twenty five pound child on steroids! Able to climb the fridge in one leap, run laps around the neighborhood for seven hours, and survive on no stinkin' sleep! You have been warned!

Most likely to put a hole into anything-Jack takes this award by yet another clear landslide. The child has an uncanny ability to put a hole in a sock, pant leg, piece of paper, truly anything. You name it this kid can wear it out faster than you can scream shoot.

I put a patch on his jeans the other day and even went to the extra trouble of putting another patch on the inner part of the leg. I had double patches. Nothing could stop me. Jack wore the pants for 5 hours and had ripped a hole in the leg. Two patches down. Call for back up. I might start making him wear knee pads at all times.

Wes on the other hand can almost still fit in his newborn clothes and they are all in perfect condition. Evidently when you are a 25 pound 3 year old you can't destroy your clothing as effectively. You could do nothing but scoot around on your knees for days and have not even a thread displaced. This leads me to the next award.....

Most economical person in the family-I was going to announce I had taken this category as I do the household budget, pay the bills, sock away some for savings, pay down debts, and clip coupons, but I think Wes is giving me a run for my money.

 The child can wear things for multiple seasons. Each summer when I pull out the shorts and t shirts I rarely have to even check that they fit because they always do. The child has been wearing the same 12 month shorts for going on three years. True, they are starting to become a bit short but on the plus side he isn't running around with his shorts around his ankles on a regular basis.

So if you see Wes at the park this summer in his daisy dukes, judge not, for he is more than likely on steroids and can outrun you without his shorts falling off.

Most likely to launder something other than clothing-I win this category without competition. In the last year I have laundered:

a yellow balloon (no inflated)
a bullet
three metal cars
a pacifier
a handcuff key
867 tissues
3 grocery lists
approximately $2.32 in loose change
2 rubber bands
6 nerf darts

As a master laundress of items not intended for washing machines I can confidently tell you that I am thoroughly impressed at the durability of these items when put in the spin cycle. With the exception of the tissues and paper lists everything came through both the wash and the dryer unscathed. The lettering was still on the balloon and when I went to blow it up it worked like a charm. I might start accidentally washing more junk. Look out Martha Stewart, here I come.

Most likely to binge watch depressing Netflix documentaries- I win this one again. I can't help it. If there is a documentary about North Korea I cannot avert my eyes. Brian will come home from a business trip to find me bleary eyed on the couch and with a concerned look he asks me how many documentaries I have binge watched. I will tell him while ugly crying about deaf Auschwitz survivors and Korean death camp escapees who don't know what love is. He doesn't understand why I care to do this to myself but its reflexive for me. I can't NOT know about the blind and mute dolphins of the south sea and how they are being raped and pillaged by the local fishing community. Animals living in the remains of the Chernobyl disaster? Seen it. I CAN'T NOT KNOW! I saw a preview for next years upcoming Frontlines and they have devoted an entire episode to North Korea. Never before seen footage. This is like crack to a documentary addict. I might have been heard shouting, "Christmas has come early!"

Most likely to be wearing shoes at all times- Brian. Brian would wear his sneakers to bed if I let him. The man is always in shoes.When the rest of this family is lounging around in our pajamas well past 10 am on the weekend Brian is dressed as of 7 am and ready for action.  He claims that is is due to his collapsed arches and need to be prepared at all times. I claim its because he might be smarter than the rest of us.

When I step on a toy car land mine and writhe around on the carpet in pain, he just shouts, "this is why we should always wear shoes!" To me the incessant need to wear shoes appears as if he can never fully relax but I am assured that is not the case.

Whatever the case may be the man is literally unflappable so maybe the whole shoe O.C.D thing is working for him.

"Hey Bri, alligators have set the house on fire and have formed some sort of wild mob outside the house."

"Ok cool, no problem I'll just get the hose and ask them to politely leave."


 Me? Well I've seen one too many documentaries so I know how these things end.

May 2014 bring you health, happiness, and may it be void of alligator pyromaniacs, ER visits, clean yellow balloons, and holes. Now go get your shoes on.