Monday, October 24, 2011

Wes 9-10 months snapshot

Sleep: You don't sleep anymore. You are part zombie/vampire/werewolf. You wake up every 45 minutes and want to eat. You think I am the awesomest 24 hour buffet. I am going to start charging you, and by the way, its customary to tip your waitress. You're kind of stingy. Boogers and smiles don't count. Ok they count. I can't stay mad at you. Especially since you smile at me in your half sleep state when I come in your room and scoop you up. That, and you have the best bed head ever. Maybe you don't sleep and just secretly style your hair between feedings. Punk rockers would be jealous of the height and volume of your bed head.

I am not saying this but I heard that your sleep is ever so gently improving. Shhhh I didn't say that. You are cutting 6 teeth. It seems like rough stuff. You got your first 2 bottom teeth at 9 months, and now you are working on the bottom side teeth, your vampire teeth and you top front teeth. I know your teeth keep you up. Or wait? It could be that I am just that cool. I mean lets get real, I am pretty cool.

You have settled into a nice routine for your naps so at least we have that part figured. At some point I am sure you will decide that sleep is cooler than your Mom. I will give you $100 dollars if you figure that out before you are 18. Do you have ANY IDEA how many pacifiers and delicious newspapers you can buy with $100 of cold hard cash?

Eating: You would totally survive the zombie apocalypse because you still prefer newspaper, magazines, socks, keys, and plastic to the more conventional forms of nutrition AKA food. Your favorite? A little something I like to call carpet trail mix. You know the little things the vacuum misses. "Oh look! A little sliver of crafting felt! Oh Joy! Breakfast!"

You make a face like you are sucking a lemon when given real food.

Come to think of it you make your lemon face when I am eating food and it gets near you. My dear Wes, you lick the handle of the grocery cart. You can't tell me that the grocery cart tastes better than food. I shiver whenever I catch you doing this. I try and stop you. You don't listen. I make you stop. You start back up. I admire your tenacity. I tell myself you are going to have an awesome immune system and then I barf a little.

Sometimes you chew on a hard crust of bread and like it. Mostly you chew and then freak out when a crumb breaks off and dares to enter your mouth. You could totally survive medieval prison. Crust of bread and water? Sold! Maybe your survival skills are just top notch and I should stop poo pooing your lack of desire to eat. Grocery carts and felt and you are a happy camper. You know Christmas is coming.....Seriously though you don't know what you are missing. Food rocks, so stop acting like I am poisoning you and eat something will ya?

Play: You love all your toys. You like remotes and the x box controller.

Mostly you eat them or flop over on top of them. You prefer a fine Lego over your other toys. They taste the best. You love your squeaky rubber toys. Your favorite toy? Well, it's yourself. I take that diaper off and its like Christmas, Halloween and your birthday rolled into one. Knock yourself out kid. Wes's Christmas list: no diaper, grocery cart for licking, felt scrap.

You can crawl now but only in reverse. This is very sad for you. You back yourself into small corners and freak out. Don't worry! I am sure very soon you will find the gear shift and get going in the right direction. Despite being stuck in reverse, you are quite mobile, and roll and reverse crawl all over the place. I am not fully prepared for the mobility. The felt scrap that got left on the carpet is not prepared for the mobility.

Yesterday you screamed, "Mama!" I don't think you meant to but you keep saying it. More in a mamamamamamma way than an actual word but its cute none the less. We were watching Sesame Street yesterday and they were singing a song about the letter, "M." You then screamed, "mamamamammamamama," so I am pretty sure you are a genius. Cue the scholarships! Oh and you clap now. Everything gets a round of applause. It's cute and I like it. Come to think of it, more things in this lifetime should involve a round of applause. "Oh look you came back into the room!" APPLAUSE!

I love you my sweet little felt eating, round of applause, teeth cutting, reverse crawling, grocery cart licking baby. I love you so much it hurts.

Lesson #8: Kids ask a lot of questions

I read somewhere that the average 4 year old asks over 400 questions a day. My advanced scientific and mathematical skills have allowed me to extrapolate and compute that 3 year olds ask 700 questions a day. Mostly this happens because they ask you the same question a bare minimum of 4 times. Ok I'm lying. The same question is usually repeated about 20 times. If you're Jack you are an over achiever and need to out shine other 3 year olds so you ask 1401 questions a day. In my quest to determine why so many questions are asked I stumbled on a theory that makes so much sense it has to be right. Teachers and learning types will have you thinking kids ask questions because they are learning. It might be that. It might also be the under diagnosed early onset childhood Alzheimers. While I don't doubt my kiddo is expanding his horizons and amassing enough data and knowledge to find the final solution to world hunger, I think the answer is simpler. It's Santa Clause. Recent investigative efforts and specific research methods I can't reveal lead me to believe that 3 year olds are required to fulfill a daily question quota or Santa doesn't show. Any less than 100 questions and there is a chance Santa Clause passes your house. No reindeers prancing, no stockings stuffed, nada, zip, zilch-do not pass go do not collect $200. Once I discovered this I found I had way more patience when dealing with the endless barrage of questions I field on an average day.

Random sampling of average questions:
"Why you buttoning your pants?" (PS I was getting dressed?)
"Are you cranky? Are you not having a good day?" (PPS I just took a deep breath)
"What's that guy doing?" (PPPS "that guy" was driving a motorized grocery cart)

Let me add that if you are in public Jack is watching you. He is also giving you a play by play of your actions. The stranger your actions the louder his questions. "WHAT'S THIS GUY WEARING? WHY DOES THIS GUY SMELL TERRIBLE?" You know come to think of it maybe Jack is just saying and asking what we are all thinking. I mean seriously what is that guy wearing and why does he smell terrible? I suppose if you are looking for the truth just ask a 3 year old. They'll give it to you straight......... and then ask you 40 follow up questions.