Saturday, July 30, 2011

How to sleep like a 3 year old and a simple 3 step plan for waking all adults

Jack crawled into our bed the other night. In fact he has been crawling into your bed a lot lately. He is pretty sneaky and most nights we don't even know he is in our bed until he has fallen back asleep. He has taken to crowding certain members of the bed. For a little fellow he can certainly take up a lot of room. I am happy to report that my extensive research has determined that there appears to be evidence that sleeping styles are genetic. Jack prefers to sleep like a starfish. Its as if he passes out mid snow angel or mid jumping jack. He finds comfort in making sure his knobby knees are directly pressed into a lower back. He is conscious of any potential back problems and wants to make sure we eliminate any trips to the Chiropractor. He's a thoughtful bugger like that. Apparently its easier to sleep if your foot is pressed into the crook of someones neck. Consequently you will also sleep better if you kick this foot once in awhile. You just have to work the kinks out, plus you wouldn't want your foot to fall asleep. It's also important that you are committed to your sleep. When questioned you should be able to easily tell said interrogator what you are doing.

Dad: "Jack, can you move over, I have no room."
Jack: "Dad! Stop it, I'm sleeping!"

Perfect example of how to succinctly and accurately alert said interrogator of your intentions. You want to be firm.

So then you need to go back to sleep, legs akimbo, every once in a while reenacting scenes from Riverdance, fiercely defending your right to sleep.

You will need to wake up at 5am and immediately begin questioning those surrounding you as to why they are not awake. They are missing precious moments of the wonderful day! Firmly tell them to open their eyes. They probably won't listen but that's ok because you are prepared. You have a fool proof three step process for situations just like this.

Step 1: Gently lift the eyelids of sleeping individual.

(I cannot overstate the importance of step number 2. Do not deviate from the instructions.)

Step 2: Get up right in the persons face. If you think your close enough, you're not. If necessary grab both sides of the sleeping persons head. Ears make great handles if you are wanting some leverage.

Step 3: It's important you use your outside voice for this part. You really want the sleeping person to hear you. Better yet you want to neighbors to hear you. After all you are providing a valuable service so really its for every one's good. So in your best outside voice you want to say, "ARE YOU AWAKE?"

If all else fails you have a code red sleep emergency. You should immediately continue to the lesser known but still quite valuable Step 4 which calls for repeatedly demanding items. Milk. TV. Tissues. Puppies. It doesn't really matter but the important thing to remember is that you need to be making rapid fire demands. Your goal is to motivate and subtly confuse said sleeping person so the louder and more intense the requests the better.

Congrats! You have successfully gotten a refreshing nights sleep, served as alarm clock to the community, and you don't even need a cup of coffee to feel human. Truly adults could learn a thing or two from young ones and their zest for life first thing in the morning. If you could bottle that energy you would be a bazillionare.

I truly wish I could sleep like a 3 year old.

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