Thursday, December 8, 2011

The English language according to Jack

Speaking correctly is boring, mundane even! Take Jack's easy 2 day course and learn how to speak using mysterious words, new words (ok, made up words) and keep your friends and family guessing about your cool new vocab. People understanding what you are saying is pretty over rated.

1: Wush= shut. I'm pretty sure that when Jack tells me to "wush" something he is much more content to imitate the noise the door makes when it closes rather than using the "proper term." Proper terms are for losers. No losers here!

2: ringbell=doorbell: I'm with Jack on this one. Ringbell is clearly the superior term for the doorbell. It rings. Its a bell. Ringbell. Case closed.

3: Duke Dock CHA!!! thing you scream to the cashier at Safeway to leave them feeling confused and disoriented. It works. It has an almost 100% efficacy rating. Need a distraction? Scream "duke dock CHA" and then throw your hands in the air and slowly circle your grocery cart all while keeping your shoulders hunched over. It's pretty much have a fool proof method for leaving your general public feeling weird and uncomfortable. It doesn't hurt to throw in a little 10 month old, "Wait, what? You have a poinsettia? Wait.....I can reach it from where I sit in my grocery cart? Wait it has dirt in it? Its base is wrapped in crinkly paper? ITS JUST SITTING HERE? WHY IS NO ONE TRYING TO EAT IT? Must destroy.....Must destroy. Cue arm flapping and wild wind milling arms, plant flying, dirt falling, leaves in said 10 month olds mouth and throw in a little wild screech and you have got yourself a grade A primo distraction. Duke dock CHA! Use it.

4: Schtum: Where's the Umlaut key when you need it? Schtum should totally have one. No one knows what it means but its an awesome word for just about everything. It also makes an excellent curse word substitute if the need arises. Drop a screw driver on your foot? Schtum! Stub your toe? Schtum it all to heck! Prove to someone that your right? Stick that in your Schtum and smoke it. P.S Jack might be German.

5: Woss=Wes: Further proof that Jack is German. Wes is never Wes. Wes is really Woss, as in, "Woss! Stop! I don't want to be touched right now!"

6: Pig back=piggy bank: Again I'm with Jack on this. You put the money in the pigs back so pig back makes just as much sense as piggy bank. Use it. Start a vocab revolution. I dare you.

If you sign up now for the 2 day course Jack will send you a personalized decoder ring. It's our valuable gift to you. Shipping and handling not included.

P.S I spell checked this post and my computer blew up

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